Gilles André

(A "Jerry Maguire" parody)



INT. MANAGER'S OFFICE DUSK

André on the phone.

ANDRÉ
Erik! How ya doing? Gilles André.

INTERCUT

 

INT. THE LAIR DUSK

ERIK, the Phantom, begins his conversation in the Louis-Philippe room. He is a commanding physical presence, and he holds a hot new phone with a REALLY long cord. He fixes young Christine Daae dinner as he talks. In the background, monitoring the crisis is Madame Giry.

ERIK
"How am I doing?" I'll tell you. I'm sweatin, dude! That's
how I'm "doin." I'm sweatin' my contract. I'm sweatin' the
Opera-Comique calling and telling me I'm blowing the big
endorsements if I stay with you. I'm sweatin'. You hear
what I'm saying?

ANDRÉ
Listen, I hear what you're saying. And that's why I'm
calling --

 

ERIK
No no no, I hear that you hear what I'm saying. But do
you TRULY hear what I'm saying?

 

CHRISTINE
(interrupting)
I hear what you're saying, Erik.

 

ANDRÉ
Hey, maybe, uh, the best thing is that we get together in
person.

 

An endless parade of workers drop off their resignation notices on Andre's desk.

 

ANDRÉ
Erik, I'm -- I'm sorry, do you mind holding? I've just
got some --

 

ERIK
Didn't you tell Madame Giry, "more personal attention?" Did
you NOT tell Madame Giry, "more personal attention?"

 

ANDRÉ
(pause)
I said, "more personal attention."

 

ERIK
Good. 'Cause we're just getting started on my list of things
you need to know. Take notes if you want to.

 

ANDRÉ
(dying)
Okay.

 

Erik walks into his bedroom, past clippings of new reports of his terrorizing the Opera. Giry follows, always listening.

 

ERIK
I am a valuable commodity. I do the impossible. I see some
diva crossing my path, wanting to steal my protegee's
thunder, I tell myself, "make her croak, drop that chandelier!"
Booya! Mass chaos! I make miracles happen! I'm a magician,
I'm a composer! An inventor!

 

ANDRÉ
E -- Erik? --

 

ERIK
I built a palace for the Shah of Persia!

 

ANDRÉ
Erik? --

 

ERIK
I'm THE Opera Ghost, man!!!

 

ANDRÉ
And now you want Opera Ghost francs.

 

ERIK
Exactly.

 

ANDRÉ
I understand what you're saying, Erik --

 

ERIK
Andre, I'm sitting here with a rat problem, look! I got rats
crawling all over my labyrinth --

 

ANDRÉ
Er -- Erik... Erik --

 

ERIK
And my go-between Madame Giry is out of a job. Say
hello to Gilles André --

 

MADAME GIRY
Hello Monsieur Andre.

 

ANDRÉ
H -- hello Madame Giry...

 

Erik takes the phone back, and continues through the lair.

 

ERIK
-- my lair is fallin' apart with all the fire and water damage
that mob did to it! Nobody's looking out for Erik! I don't
even know where I'm gonna live in a year, and I'm
supposed to be a "legend," man! Are you catching my flow,
here?

 

Andre looks at the piles of resignations on his desk. Doomed.

 

ANDRÉ
I need a decision from you, Erik. Are you in or are you
out?

 

Erik re-enters the main chamber. Madame Giry and Christine in tow.

 

ERIK
I am a role model, André! I have a lifestyle to support!
You know how much money it takes to furnish a place this
big with lit candles? So to recap, I want to stay at the Opera,
I want my new salary, I want Christine's new contract, I
want Madame Giry reinstated. I like you, you're good to
Christine, I WILL stay with you.

 

ANDRÉ
That's... that's great. I'm very... happy --

 

ERIK
Are you listening?

 

ANDRÉ
Yes.

 

ERIK
That's what I'm doing for you. God bless you, André.
But this what you're gonna do for me. You listening?
Andre?!

 

ANDRÉ
Yeah! Wh -- wh -- what can I do for you, Erik? You just
tell me what I can do for you?

 

ERIK
It's a very personal, very important thing. Hell, it's a
family motto. Well, it would be if I had a family,
anyway. Are you ready, André?

 

ANDRÉ
I'm ready.

 

ERIK
I just wanna make sure you're ready, brother. Here it is.
(pause)
"Show me the monkey." Ah ha ha!!! SHOW! ME! THE!
MONKEY! Ah ha ha! André! Don't it just make you feel
good just to say that? Say it with me one time, André!

 

ANDRÉ
Show you the monkey.

 

ERIK
Oh, no no, you can do better than that André! I want you
to say it with meaning brother! Hey, I got the Opera-
Comique on the other line, I better hear you say it!

 

ANDRÉ
Yeah -- yeah -- no -- Sh -- Show you the monkey.

 

ERIK
Not "show YOU!" "Show ME the monkey!"

 

ANDRÉ
Show me the monkey.

 

ERIK
YES! Louder!

 

ANDRÉ
Show me the monkey!

 

ERIK
That's it brother, but you gotta YELL that stuff!!

 

ANDRÉ
Show me the monkey!!

 

ERIK
I need to FEEL you, André!!!

 

ANDRÉ
Show me the monkey!!!

 

ERIK
André, you better yell!!!

 

ANDRÉ
SHOW ME THE MONKEY!!! SHOW ME THE
MONKEEEEEEY!!!

 

ERIK
Do you love this Opera Ghost!?!

 

ANDRÉ
I LOVE YOU OPERA GHOST!!! SHOW ME THE
MONKEEEEEEEEEY!!!

 

ERIK
I love disfigured composers!!!

 

ANDRÉ
I LOVE DISFIGURED COMPOSERS!!!

 

ERIK
What you gonna do, André!?!

 

ANDRÉ
SHOW ME THE MONKEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-
EEEEYYYYYYY!!!

 

ERIK
Congratulations. I'm still your resident ghost.

 

Erik hangs up.

 

R.

 

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