Anchorman of the Opera: The Point of No Return

(An "Anchorman" parody)

"When will the blood begin to race?
When will bud burst into bloom?
When will the flames at last consume…"
Christine sang as she leaned over her co-star's shoulder and chanced to look down at his lap. Shocked, she released his hands and bolted upright, completely breaking character.


"Monsieur Piangi, you have a massive erection!" she cried out.


The Phantom lifted his hooded head quizzically. "Who?" he asked out loud before remembering his charade. "Oh, right." Looking down, he found his robe tenting conspicuously upwards from between his legs. Underneath the hood, his face flushed red.


"Yes, I do," he admitted with embarrassment. "Um… I'm sorry," he stammered as his head went back and forth between looking at his erection and at Christine. "It's the… it's the pleats."


Christine stepped out from behind the bench and off to the side, putting some distance between herself and her co-star while he fumbled with his robe in an attempt to minimize the appearance of his condition. But no matter how many times he lifted the fabric and let it settle on his lap, it did no good.


"It's actually an optical illusion," he tried to explain, "It's the pattern on the robe that… not fla... flattering in the crotchal region. I'm actually taking it back right now. Taking it back to the… robe store."


"Mm," Christine muttered as she crossed her arms and tried to avoid gawking while simultaneously giving the managers who were hiding offstage a look telling them to spring the trap already.


The Phantom stood up and faced Christine, his erection wobbling and shifting underneath the black fabric until it aimed outward towards her like an English Pointer dog.


"Oh, this is awkward." He jerked his thumb towards the wing behind him. "I'm gonna walk... Um, I'm gonna walk this situation off and I will see you later."


The patrons in the front row instinctively ducked as the Phantom swung around and slowly shuffled stiff-legged and hunched over towards the darkness of the wings. "Nothing to look at. Back to work everyone," he said. Passing a gendarme, he lifted his head slightly.


"Don't act like you're not impressed."